Glad Tidings by Amy Jo Cousins

***1/2

A HOLIDAY ROMANCE BETWEEN A DRIFTER AND A LONER…

Eddie Rodrigues doesn’t stay in one place long enough to get attached. The only time he broke that rule, things went south fast. Now he’s on the road again, with barely enough cash in his pocket to hop a bus to Texas after his (sort-of-stolen) car breaks down in the middle of nowhere, Midwest, USA.

He’s fine. He’ll manage. Until he watches that girl get hit by a car and left to die.

Local shop owner Grayson Croft isn’t in the habit of doing people any favors. But even a recluse can’t avoid everyone in a town as small as Clear Lake. And when the cop who played Juliet to your Romeo in the high school play asks you to put up her key witness for the night, you say yes.

Now Gray’s got a grouchy glass artist stomping around his big, empty house, and it turns out that he . . . maybe . . . kind of . . . likes the company.

But Eddie Rodrigues never sticks around.

Unless a Christmas shop owner who hates the season can show an orphan what it means to have family for the holidays.

I admit, I went on a holiday romance bender this year.  I couldn't concentrate on any other books during the season.  Glass Tidings by the amazing Amy Jo Cousins was one of my favorites.  

Grayson is a delightful curmudgeon, whose heart has been broken and therefore shies away from life.  I adore him.  

Eddie has a different fear of living and serious abandonment issues that he deals with by never getting close to anyone.  After all, if you are always drifting from place to place without making any connections or putting down roots, people cannot leave you.  

These lost and frightened souls broke my heart.  Cousins' descriptions of the the loneliness felt by both men was realistic and powerful, especially during the holidays.  

  

I loved the visuals of Eddie and Grayson sitting by the fire reading in the evenings.  This would definitely be the way to my heart.  It was truly a lovely holiday read.

~ Shel

         

Shiny! by Amy Lane

* * * *

Will Lafferty and Kenny Scalia are both having sort of a day. Will gets fired for letting fifth graders read Harry Potter, and Kenny finds his boyfriend and his sex toys in bed with a complete stranger. When Will knocks over Kenny's trash can—and strews Kenny's personal business all over the street—it feels like the perfect craptastic climax to the sewage of suckage that has rained down on them both.

But ever-friendly, ever-kind Will asks snarky Kenny out for a beer—God knows they both need one—and two amazing things occur: Kenny discovers talking to Will might be the best form of intercourse ever, and Will discovers he's gay.

Their unlikely friendship seems like the perfect platonic match until Will reveals how very much more he’s been feeling for Kenny almost since the beginning. But Kenny’s worried. Will’s new-found sexuality is bright and glittery and shiny, but what happens when that wears off? Is Will's infatuation with Kenny strong enough to stay real?

Review:

Shiny begins with Cara and Nina’s wedding.  And Nina wants to know all about how her new nephew, Will, and his boyfriend, Kenny, met.  The two of them are only too happy to oblige. 

As stated in the synopsis above, both Kenny and Will are having terrible days.  When Kenny finds his boyfriend in bed with a stranger AND Kenny’s sex toys the only logical next step is to throw out the boyfriend.  AND the toys.  Because gross.  What Kenny never saw coming was the car that runs into his trash.  But hey, might as well try to make something good out of a crappy day.  And when you meet someone that will actually help you pick up your magic time accessories off the pavement then maybe you should hang out a bit longer. 

So they go out for drinks and quickly become fast friends.  Kenny is a graphic artist and Will is a web designer.  As they spend more and more time together, pooling their talents to create a web comic, they begin to fall in love.  Of course, neither of them realize how the other is feeling because things can never be TOO easy in a romance.  Kenny is done with pointless relationships and having a crush on a straight guy is at the top of the pointless relationship list.  And Will?  Well, he just realized he was gay after that first night he and Kenny had drinks so he has some of thinking and adjusting to do.    

When Kenny decides to join the dating pool again, Will is at his house in a heartbeat.  That date cannot happen.  After some embarrassing drama, Will is declaring himself and Kenny is both elated and scared.  Because Will was, until now, straight.  And there is no way being the straight guy’s gay experiment can turn out alright. 

Will might be slow and steady but he isn't stupid.  He finds out why Kenny is so skittish and decides to make himself indispensable.  A permanent fixture in Kenny’s life.  Proving to Kenny that Will isn't going anywhere. 

Whoever says the Queen of Angst can only do angst is wrong.  Just wrong.  Because this book is happy and lovely and squishy and…dare I say it….shiny.  Kenny is full of worldly snark and distrust.  But he’s also fun and nice so he doesn’t come across as a broken hero.  Just a fun hero that has lived a little.  And it’s hard not to love him when he says things like this: 

“I was looking for sparkly.  I should have been looking for warm and real.”

And Will?  Well, you all know how I love forever boys and Amy just added another to my list along with her Shane (Making Promises) and Quent (Gambling Men).  Will is the NICE guy.  And I loved his patient persistence when it came to convincing Kenny that their relationship was the real deal. 

Ms. Amy Lane must have been feeling mighty generous.  She didn’t make me wait to see if they get a happy ending.   We know from the first page that Kenny and Will are happily together.  And they are so excited and joyful to tell their story that you just KNOW that you can sit back and enjoy the read without any fear of the pain for which Amy Lane is so well known. 

If you are looking for a m/m romance that will make you glow from the inside out then you must read Shiny!.

Nat

Love Comes Home by Andrew Grey

* *

A Senses Series Story 

When architect Gregory Hampton’s son, Davey, starts having trouble in Little League, Greg takes him to an eye doctor. The diagnosis hits them hard. Davey’s sight is degenerating rapidly, and eventually he’ll go blind. 

Tom Spangler is used to getting what he wants. When Greg captures his attention, he asks Greg for a date. They have a good time until Greg gets a call from the friends watching his son, telling him Davey has fallen. Greg and Tom return to find the worst has happened—Davey can no longer see. 

With so much going on in his life, Greg doubts he’ll see Tom again. But Tom has researched beep baseball, where balls and bases make sounds to enable the visually impaired to participate in Little League. Tom spearheads an effort to form a team so Davey can continue to play the game he loves. But when Greg’s ex-wife shows up with her doctor boyfriend, offering a possible cure through a radical procedure, Greg must decide how far he’ll go to give Davey a chance at getting his sight back.



Review:

The above synopsis pretty much says it all.  And it’s all the things I love, right?  Angst, romance, emotional conflict, baseball…  But, unfortunately, it just didn’t’ work for me.  I wanted to love this book.  I really, really did.  Andrew Grey is such a prolific and well loved author in the m/m romance world that I thought it would be instant love on my part.  But there were some things I just couldn’t get past.

The biggest issue I had with this story was Tom.  I found him to be tremendously rude.  He is constantly telling Greg how to handle Davey and Davey’s disability.  I think the reader was supposed to see this as Tom being helpful and showing an interest.  And I guess that is what he was doing.  But his approach left a lot to be desired.  If Tom had been on more than one date with Greg and actually KNEW Greg and Davey, I may have been able to get past this.  If Tom had ANY experience with the blind, I may have even been OK with his high-handedness.  But he didn't know them and he didn't have any experience so his “interest” came across as a rude stranger giving unwanted advice.

I also could never buy into the romance.  Besides the problems I had with Tom’s character, they just didn't know each other very long.  A couple dates and next thing I know they are each realizing they are in love with one another.  There just wasn't enough relationship development in the story to make me believe they could possible be in love with each other.

The one thing that I did enjoy about this story was the secondary couples that were mutual friends of Tom and Greg.  I was particularly intrigued by Patrick.  It was fascinating to see the way he communicates.  Love Comes Home is the latest book in a series.  I have not read the other books but after reading this, I am very interested in reading Ken and Patrick’s story in Love Comes Silently.

In the end, this particular story wasn't for me.  But it was a light and fast read that kept my interest enough that I will likely be trying more Andrew Grey titles in the future.

Nat

Ethan Gold by Amy Lane

* * * * *

Evan Costa learned from a very early age that there was no such thing as unconditional love and that it was better to settle for what you could get instead of expecting the world to give you what you need. As Ethan, porn model for Johnnies, he gets exactly what he wants—comradeship and physical contact on trade—and he is perfectly satisfied with that. He’s sure of it.

Jonah Stevens has spent most of his adult life helping to care for his sister and trying to keep his beleaguered family from fraying at the edges. He’s had very little time to work on his confidence or his body for that matter. When Jonah meets Ethan, he doesn’t see the hurt child or the shamelessly slutty porn star. He sees a funny, sexy, confident man who—against the odds—seems to like Jonah in spite of his very ordinary, but difficult, life.

Sensing a kindred spirit and a common interest, Ethan thinks a platonic friendship with Jonah won’t violate his fair trade rules of sex and touch, but Jonah has different ideas. Ethan’s pretty sure his choice of jobs has stripped away all hope of a real relationship, but Jonah wants the whole package—the sexy man, the vulnerable boy, the charming companion who works so hard to make other people happy. Jonah wants to prove that underneath the damage Ethan has lived with all his life, he’s still gold with promise and the ability to love.


Review:

Sometimes relationships are just meant to be.  Take for instance a reader that loves when a book is so full of angsty drama that it makes her cry buckets.  And then there is the author that doesn’t feel she has fulfilled her purpose in this world until she has produced enough tears to bring on a flood of biblical proportions.  That reader is me.  That author is Amy Lane. We go together like macaroni and cheese.  Peanut butter and jelly.  Popcorn and butter.  Except not. Because those things don’t make anyone cry.  Unless, of course, I pour the hot butter onto my bare foot before getting it over the popcorn bowl.

Amy hits another home run with Ethan Gold.  Ethan shows up a number of times in Chase in Shadow (the first book in the Johnnies series and the first Amy book that Bel and I ever read) and he managed to steal my heart the few scenes he was in.   So when I heard he was getting his own story, I was beyond excited.  But I was also scared.  As a reader I had certain expectations of Ethan’s story.  I expected sweetness and emotional pain that made you want to pull that poor boy into a giant bear hug.  Not sure what I was worried about.  This is the queen of angst and pain we are talking about here.  Of course she delivered.   And then some!

Ethan’s story starts out at the tender age of five when he falls off his bike and a neighbor helps him home.  That short walk home changes his life forever.  On the walk home, Ethan lets it slip about what the teacher aide did to him at school.  The kind neighbor informed Ethan’s parents which changed Ethan’s family life forever.  Thanks to a wonderful psychiatrist, Ethan goes on to deal remarkably well with the abuse he suffered.  But the same isn’t true for his mom.  Her inability to handle the situation in a loving manner causes a whole new set of issues for Ethan to deal with well into his adult life.  Issues that force Ethan to look elsewhere for affection.  And that elsewhere ends up being the porn industry.

Jonah inwardly swoons when the very sexy Ethan and Tommy walk into his place of employment.  Tommy is there for an interview and Jonah ends up chatting with Ethan until Tommy is done.   Jonah enjoys the few minutes of fantasy before he floats back down to his reality.  That reality being a life that consists of working full time to help his parents financially support his teenage sister that is living with cystic fibrosis.  When he isn’t working, Jonah spends his time taking his sister to numerous doctor and therapy appointments through out the week.  Needles to say, Jonah doesn’t have time for romance.  But he doesn’t complain too much.  He loves his parents and his sister so helping them is a no brainer for him. But sometimes fate has other plans.  And apparently those plans include a sexy new boyfriend with a more than questionable career choice.

Amy does an amazing job of testing boundaries and making the reader take an uncomfortable look at the unfairness of things that do not fit into societies norms.    Can someone in porn have a relationship?  According to Chase in Shadow and Dex in Blue, the answer is yes.  But can a porn model have a relationship with someone who has no ties to the industry (something NOT explored in the previous two books in this series)?   The answer to that isn't as easy.  Jonah’s feelings in regards to Ethan’s job are emotionally complex at best.  And Ethan’s feelings on dating someone on the “outside” aren't any simpler.  It is an issue that is not nearly as black and white as some might think and Ethan and Jonah will have to work hard to find a way to be together while still meeting their emotional and physical needs.

This is easily one of Amy Lane’s best books.  As always, if you love some (or a lot of) angst and pain with a hope of a Happy For Now (if not a Happy Ever After) ending, then pick this lovely up.  You will be happy you did.  After you are done sobbing and cursing the author.  Of course.

Nat

Waiting on Wednesday (68)

Waiting on Wednesday is a weekly meme, hosted by Jill at Breaking the Spine, that highlights future releases that we are excitedly anticipating.

I was just about to type something like, "Hey, y'all know how much we love Amy Lane and her Promises series?"  And then I realized that you may know how much we love Amy but you don't know how much we love  Keeping Promise Rock, Making Promises and Living Promises because we HAVEN'T REVIEWED THEM YET!!!  What on earth is wrong with us?  I can only say that these characters are so real to us that we are afraid of not showing them the appropriate amount of love that they deserve.  But we are going to fix that very soon.  Everyone should have their hearts broken and then mended by this series.  Everyone.  On top of that Making Promises features one of my favorite Forever Boys of all time - Shane Perkins.    Watch out readers.  You are going to experience what happens when we REALLY let our fangirl out.


By Amy Lane
Publication Date: June 28, 2013


Keeping Promise Rock: Book Four

Crick has been home from Iraq for five years, Jeff and Collin are finally married, and Shane and Mikhail are quietly making lives better for the dispossessed teenagers who come their way. Everything is right in Deacon's world, but nothing ever stays the same.

When Deacon's best friends, Jon and Amy, answer the call of an opportunity in Washington, DC, Deacon figures that’s life. You love people, and they leave you, and you survive. Even Benny, Crick’s little sister, is close to grown and ready to start her own future. But Benny loves Deacon, and she owes him—she may move beyond The Pulpit and Levee Oaks one day, but not without leaving something of herself behind. And so she offers Deacon and Crick an amazing gift… and a terrifying decision.

Benny’s offer forces Deacon and Crick to dredge up every past mistake and offer of redemption. And not just the two of them—everybody is forced to examine the chances they've been given and the promises they've made. In a real family, a child is a promise, and to the men and women of Promise Rock, keeping that promise will change their lives forever.

Dex in Blue by Amy Lane (Adult Romance)

* * * * 1/2

Ten years ago David Worral had plans to go to college and the potential for a beautiful future in front of him. One tragic accident later, he fled to California and reinvented himself as Dex, top porn model of Johnnies.

Dex’s life is a tangled mess now, but the guys he works with only see the man who makes them believe even porn stars can lead normal lives. When Kane, one of Dex’s coworkers, gets kicked out of his house, the least Dex can do is give him a place to stay. Kane may be a hyperactive muscle-bound psycho, but he’s also a really nice guy. What could be the harm?

Except nothing is simple—not sex, not love, and not the goofy kid with the big dick and bigger heart who moves his life into Dex’s guest room. When they start negotiating fractured pasts and broken friends, Dex wonders if Kane’s honest nature can untangle the sadness that stalled his once-promising future. With Kane by his side, Dex just might be able to reclaim the boy he once was—and if he can do that, he can give Kane the home and the family he deserves.

 

Earlier this year, Bel read and reviewed her first Amy Lane book – Chase in Shadow.  At her urging, I read it as well and was completely enthralled and wrapped up in Ms. Lane’s character building.  I finished Chase in Shadow with a hard earned smile on my face (though not nearly as hard earned as the smile on Chase’s face) and an eagerness to know what would happen with all of my other favorite boys at Johnnie’s.  And apparently, Amy Lane aims to please, because this past week Dex in Blue (the story of two of my fave Johnnie’s models – Dex and Kane) was released. 

Dex is unofficially second-in-command at Johnnie’s.  He takes care of everything from scheduling and filming scenes to making sure the new models know what to eat and understand that it’s just a job and they should never get attached.   That is until he becomes attached to co-worker and ultimate jerk, Scott.  When he gains the strength to finally kick Scott to the curb, Kane is unexpectedly there to help.

Kane can only be described as simple.  Not stupid or dumb.  Just simple.  He doesn’t comprehend sarcasm.  He doesn’t read between the lines.  And he doesn’t do irony.  What he likes is straight-forwardness.  He wants to be able to take things at face value.  He loves kind acts and kind words.  And becomes he likes THOSE things he really, really likes Dex.  Dex is the guy who helps everyone out (including him) and he is hoping he will help him out again when he finds he needs a place to stay. 

Of course Dex says yes to taking in Kane (and his room full of pets).  But what starts out as “just helping a friend” becomes yet again breaking the rule of becoming too attached to a co-worker.  But as Dex and Kane navigate an unexpected relationship that includes the trials of helping friends in need, dealing with dysfunctional family and coming out, they find that they just might be able to have a happily ever after with each other.   

If you thought that the angst and sadness of Chase in Shadow was too much then Dex and Kane’s story might be for you.  Ms. Lane warned me on Twitter that I was going to enjoy Dex’s story since I enjoyed Making Promises so much.  And she couldn’t have been more correct.  Dex in Blue is an ultimate comfort read (my favorite kind!)  This is a sweet story about two very kind and loving men trying to take care of each other as friends and somehow along the way it becomes more.   

I am going to cross my fingers and hope there will be more in this series.  And I can only hope that Ethan’s story is next -because even I feel lost and lonely when Ethan isn’t being held.  Please Ms. Lane?  Pretty Please?

 

Nat  

Sidecar by Amy Lane (Adult Romance)

* * * * *

The year is 1987. The boys wear pink Izod shirts, the girls wear big hair, everyone has a stash box, and AIDS is just an ugly rumor rumbling like a thunderstorm from the cities. A teenage runaway wanders the side of the road, a heartbeat away from despair, and is rescued by a long-haired angel on a Harley.

But that's just the beginning of their story.

Josiah Daniels wanted peace and quiet and a simple life, and he had it until he rescued Casey from hunger, cold, and exhaustion. Then Joe's life is anything but simple as he and his new charge navigate a world that is changing more rapidly than the people in it. Joe wants to raise Casey to a happy and productive adulthood, and he does. But even as an adult, Casey can't conceive of a happy life without Joe. The trouble is getting Joe to accept that the boy he nurtured is suddenly the man who wants him.

Their relationship can either die or change with the world around them. As they make a home, negotiate the new rules of growing up, and swerve around the pitfalls of modern life, Casey learns that adulthood is more than sex, Joe learns that there is no compromise in happy ever after, and they’re both forced to realize that the one thing a man shouldn’t be is alone.

Once my kids are older, they will probably run from the house like it’s on fire every time I start a new Amy Lane book.  Why?  Because I can always count on her to leave me sleep deprived and cranky.  Not that I am complaining.  Her books always keep me up until the wee hours of the morning because I simply can’t put them down.  Sidecar was no exception. 

It’s no secret amongst the Bibliojunkies that my favorite type of book is a romance.  Throw in a forever boy and I am in heaven.  Sidecar delivers both - an absolutely loveable forever boy (Joe Daniels) but also a beautiful romance that slowly grows over the years.   

Sidecar does not contain the angst that Ms. Lane writes so well.  And for that I am grateful.  Even without it I found myself wiping tears off my face during little moments through out the book.  Within the first two chapters both Casey and Joe become such a part of you that your heart hurts for everything they experience.  The good and the bad.   

Joe Daniels is pretty simple.  He lived the carefree lifestyle of sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll.  But then he decided he was done.  No big dramatic moment made him change.  He just decided he was missing the space and quiet of where he grew up.  So by the age of 27 he is comfortably living in his own home far enough away from civilization to enjoy the quiet but close enough to drive to his job at the hospital where he works as a nurse.  Although a little scary looking with his broad shoulders, long hair, handlebar mustache/soul patch combo and a giant Harley, Joe is an all around NICE guy.  He believes in helping people.  His family taught him that it was the right thing to do.  He helps his aging neighbor that lives 20 acres away; he makes friends with patients at the hospital.  Even if they aren’t his patients.  And he takes in strays – dogs, cats and you guessed it, kids that he finds helpless on the side of the road.   He has no ulterior motives.  He is just that kind of guy.  Who doesn’t want this guy?  He is perfect.  I was imagining Aaron Eckhart a la Erin Brockovich (just change the hair color) while reading this.  Can I just say forever boy AND totally biker hot?

But here is the thing….although Joe Daniels is the forever boy in this book, I found that I was absolutely smitten with Casey.  The YA reader in me was drawn to him instantly.  He is so young at the beginning of this book (16 years old) and has had a pretty rough experience.  He isn’t broken by any stretch of the imagination.  He has an inner strength and outward feistiness that allows him to stay standing no matter what life might throw at him.  His instant love and hero worship of Joe in the beginning is almost heartbreaking in its sincerity and hopefulness.  I think the parts that made me cry the most were watching Casey grow up.  So many of his chapters made me want to put my book down and hug my children. 

There is always a risk of making the reader uncomfortable when building a romance between two people that start out with a guardian/child relationship.  But that isn’t the case here.  This story is so well crafted and paced that you can only cheer these two men on as they slowly reach that point where everything comes together.  And when it does come together?  You better watch out.  Their kiss in the car is smoldering.  And although the sex scenes are few, the few that are there….oh, my.  My book almost burst into flames from the heat.   

Watching the relationship develop and change between Joe and Casey over the span of 25 years is beautiful and romantic and heartwarming.  I absolutely love books like this.  They settle in and become comfort reads when I need something to brighten a gloomy day.  It is a guarantee that I will be re-reading Sidecar next time I need a pick me up.

Nat

Clear Water by Amy Lane (Adult Romance)

* * * 1/2 

Meet Patrick Cleary party boy, loser, and spaz. Patrick's been trying desperately to transform himself, and the results have been so spectacular, they've almost killed him. Meet Wes "Whiskey" Keenan he's a field biologist wondering if it's time to settle down. When the worst day of Patrick's life ends with Whiskey saving it, Patrick and Whiskey find themselves sharing company and an impossibly small berth on the world's tackiest houseboat.

Patrick needs to get his life together-and Whiskey wants to help-but Patrick is not entirely convinced it's doable. He's pretty sure he's a freak of nature. But Whiskey, who works with real freaks of nature, thinks all Patrick needs is a little help to see the absolute beauty inside his spastic self, and Whiskey is all about volunteering. Between anomalous frogs, a homicidal ex-boyfriend, and Patrick's own hangups, Whiskey's going to need all of his patience and Patrick's going to need to find the best of himself before these two men ever see clear water.

It’s no secret that Bel and I are total Amy Lane fangirls.  It all started earlier this year when Bel read Chase in Shadow then sent me numerous texts about how intense it is.  So I read it and I instantly fell in love.  Since then I have read 11 Amy Lane books.  In all of that reading I have found that Amy is known for her angst filled stories.  But sometimes she surprises us with a sweet happy romance.  Clear Water is one of those surprises.   

I don’t even know where to begin so I will just start with the cover.  Yum!  It contains some of my favorite things when it comes to boys: lean build, bare chest, ripped jeans and a beach.  Had I seen this book on the shelf at the store I would have bought it based on the cover alone.  Fortunately what is inside is just as wonderful. 

Amy‘s biggest strength is creating characters that we care about and giving them a voice that makes them vividly 3-dimensional.  Patrick is no exception.  His character practically leaps off the page and right into your lap….hmmm, now that is visual I am perfectly okay with.  Patrick won my heart almost immediately.    

Patrick is the only son of a wealthy businessman.  He has had everything he could want given to him - everything except his father’s approval.  Patrick’s dad thinks Patrick is a screw up.  What he sees is a young man that couldn’t finish school and changes career plans on a weekly basis.  A boy that can’t commit to anything.  What he refuses to understand is that Patrick has ADD.  Patrick’s dad has been telling Patrick for years that he doesn’t need his ADD meds.  That he just needs to apply himself and then he will be successful.  You learn all of this in the first chapter and it is the perfect set up to understand Patrick’s insecurities and lack of self confidence.  

Then we meet Whiskey – research scientist and all around hottie.  When he rescues Patrick from a sinking car, his world is turned upside down.  Somehow Patrick has convinced him and his research partner, Flybait, to let him stay with them and help with both the boat and the research project.  Which means Whiskey ends up sharing a bunk with Patrick.  And that turns out to be frustrating and embarrassing for Whiskey but highly amusing and entertaining for the reader.  What’s not to love about that, right? 

Whiskey becomes Patrick’s biggest champion as Patrick slowly develops the self-confidence and focus he has been missing in his life.  And of course the chemistry between them grows every day that Patrick is on the boat. But this story isn’t just about the romance.  There is a mystery too.  A mystery that, in the end, brings Patrick and his father back together with a better understanding of one another.   

I love all of the Amy Lane books I have read so it’s no surprise that I enjoyed this one so much.  Clear Water is a fun, sweet read that will leave you smiling from start to finish.  If you are a fan of gay romance, I definitely recommend this one. 

Nat

Chase In Shadow by Amy Lane (Gay Romance, 18 years+)

* * * *

Chase Summers: Golden Boy. Beautiful girlfriend, good friends, and a promising future.

Nobody knows the real Chase.

Chase Summers has a razor blade to his wrist and the smell of his lover’s goodbye clinging to his skin. He has a door in his heart so frightening he’d rather die than open it, and the lies he’s used to block it shut are thinning with every forbidden touch. Chase has spent his entire life unraveling, and his decision to set his sexuality free in secret has only torn his mind apart faster.

Chase has one chance for true love and salvation. He may have met Tommy Halloran in the world of gay-for-pay but it if he wants the healing that Tommy’s love has to offer, he’ll need the courage to leave the shadows for the sunlight. That may be too much to ask from a man who’s spent his entire life hiding his true self. Chase knows all too well that the only things thriving in a heart’s darkness are the bitter personal demons that love to watch us bleed.

There's something about the journey of self-discovery as you begin to admit the truth about yourself that's at once powerful and downright scary. This is why I was intrigued by the premise – guy so far into the closet that he's practically in Narnia, who must figure out how he’s going to come out. First he must admit he’s been in there for a while. So if you read this book, expect plenty of emotional upheaval and some very uncomfortable, harsh and graphic moments. 

Chase who has been hiding his sexuality from everyone – he can't even admit it out loud to himself – decides to enter into the gay porn industry so he can make more money to afford college as he studies engineering. It’s in this arena that he can be himself, unafraid and daring, separate from the other world where pretense is his armor. And it’s here that he finally falls in love for the first time with Tommy. The book explores the following year as Chase continues to lead his double life – that of gay porn star while still immobile in that closet – and how it all eventually crashes down around him.

I have to applaud Amy Lane for writing such an incredibly dark, raw and unabashed look at someone coming to terms with their sexuality. She doesn't sugarcoat anything. Chase makes some pretty poor decisions and knows it. And each crack in his armor is more devastating than the previous. With each chapter, he slowly and painfully opens up about his scarred past concerning his parents and the effect they had on him. Beneath it all is a fragile kid, and I really do mean kid because there are moments when his thought process is so childlike, it's heartbreaking.  He is so full of self-loathing that he feels unworthy of being loved or deserving of any kind of happiness. To admit out loud that he’s gay, is to admit something so terrifying about his past, that that simple admission would completely undo him.

Chase does have wonderful friends surrounding him. Donnie, his best friend since childhood and Tommy, Chase’s love interest are top-notch good guys, as are the other guys he meets at his new line of work. Tommy in particular, doesn’t take Chase’s BS and is always challenging him to take the next step out of the personal hell he’s in. Tommy is so well-written that his persona just jumps off the pages. I adore him and Chase together.

Be warned: Chase In Shadow is extremely graphic. I had no idea that this would be the case when I first requested to read it. (My suggestion: skip the graphic sequence at the beginning of each chapter if it's too much for you and just focus on the rest of the story.) Initially, I found it unsettling but as I read on, it made for a startling contrast. Chase considers sex in front of the camera less frightening than having to talk about his innermost demons. Any time there’s a pause where Chase can be truthful about himself, he shuts down and the heavy impact it has on his relationships is tremendous. So while the sex scenes are graphic, it's Chase's self-destruction that's most disturbing, brutal even to stomach. However, looking past the graphic details, the reader will succumb to Chase and Tommy's beautifully aching story.  

Chase In Shadow is no holds barred. I did have to read it in increments because some scenes are so gutting and exhausting that I could only take so much at a time. Thankfully, this tormented soul does get a chance at happiness after overcoming the many demons holding him back. A pleasant surprise at the end makes this tumultuous journey worth it! 

~ Bel